You’ve probably heard of the term “friend zone” before. If you’re reading this article then you might suspect that you’re in one.
The friend zone is where one person (usually a male) wishes to have a romantic relationship with another person (usually a female) but the second person just wants things to stay platonic. Usually the female gives off confusing signals (intentionally or otherwise) to the male that give him hope that she might change her mind.
As you can guess this is a very frustrating position to be in for the man. The woman he is infatuated in (or even in love with) likes to spend time with him as a friend but doesn’t want anything more. He is constantly around her and reminded of what he cannot ever have.
The friend zone has gained notoriety in popular culture with people on all sides chiming in with theories on why it happens, how it happens, to what kind of guys it happens to, and even if it exists in the first place.
Shy Guys And the Friendzone
Men who are shy or socially awkward are particularly vulnerable to the friend zone. This is because they often don’t ask the woman out in the first place! Instead they just hang around the woman hoping that one day she’ll “come to her senses” and declare her love for them.
Sorry guys but that doesn’t happen in real life.
The first step of dealing with a friend zone is to ask the girl out. If you’re not willing to do this then you might as well close this article and move on. If you don’t ask her out then how do you know if she’s interested or not? How do you know if she’s even putting you in the friendzone?
Maybe she’s waiting for you to ask her out?
If you work up the courage to ask the girl out and she turns you down then you might be tempted to declare yourself in a friend zone. But are you?
Let’s take a look at some explanations you need to rule out before you declare yourself in the friend zone:
- Is the girl initiating texting with you?
For the next week don’t text the girl. Does she text you? Or do you spend the week looking at an empty notification screen?
If a message doesn’t come then it’s very likely that it was you initiating contact over and over again and she was merely politely responding.
2. Does the girl act the same way with other guys?
Next time you see the girl in public look to see how she acts around other guys. Is she as friendly with them? Does she offer to hang out with them like she does with you? Does she laugh at their jokes like she does yours?
If so then she’s just being friendly and is not putting you in a friend zone.
Most Girls Are Just Nice
Sociological studies have shown that men are more likely to assume attraction and interest than women are.
This means that when you’re talking to a girl you’re more likely to assume that the things she says or does are meant to keep your attracted when to the girl these are just things she does because that’s the way she is. She talks that way to everyone.
They Either Like You Or Not
The fact is that a woman is either attracted to you or they are not. Most cases of attraction are based on snapshot impressions we build of the other person when we first meet them.
This means that the girl you like has formed the majority of her opinion of you within your first meeting.
This is important for shy guys to understand because they likely display public traits that women don’t find attractive. Some people will accuse this of sounding sexist but this is the truth. You only have to look at general relationship trends to confirm it: women want a high status man.
What is a high status man? This is a man who is confirmed by society to be confident, comfortable with himself, and in control of his life. Material wealth is one way to demonstrate high status but social circle is another.
How can all this be summed up? Women want a man who has his life together and is respected by the people around him.
Socially awkward guys demonstrate rapidly that they don’t have the social respect of those around them. In fact they quickly show that they are uncomfortable around other people. And whether or not you agree, social discomfort usually paints you as someone with low-esteem. It marks you as someone who doesn’t believe in himself.
The Friend zone Analyzed
The friend zone is largely a myth. Most women don’t actually seek out to keep you in their orbit to give them attention and keep you sexually frustrated.
If a woman declines to date you but continues to talk to you that probably means that she’s nice and friendly.
And if you do run into the rare woman who does feed you faint hope in order to keep you around to grow her own ego then you now know to cut contact and find someone else. Would you want to date or be friends with a woman like that?
Shy guys are more susceptible to believing in the friend zone because they interact with fewer women. If they become interested in a woman they become obsessed with her even after she displays her lack of interest because they don’t have other women to move onto.
This is usually called by people in the dating community as oneitus. It means you obsess over one woman unnecessarily when there are literally billions of other women on earth.
The cure for oneitus is to get out and talk to more women. This is what normal people do. They interact with so many different women that one woman dealing their offer of dating isn’t as big of a deal as it is to a shy guy who talks to just a handful of women.
A shy guy pins all of his hopes and dreams onto the one woman he becomes close to and is shattered when he is refused. A normal guy asks out a girl he finds interesting and if she declines he just shrugs and moves onto the next interesting girl in his social circle.
The Hope For Shy Guys
The solution to the friend zone myth is to first work on your shyness. The shyness is the limiting factor because it limits the potential pool of women that you interact with.
Right now there might be a girl that you’ve been obsessed with for months or even years. But you have to realize that this obsession is likely because you don’t have enough exposure to other women to find someone new to take an interest in.
In college I spent two years obsessing over a girl. This was during my darkest period of social anxiety where I wasn’t talking to anyone but classmates. This girl (who had a boyfriend and no romantic interest in me) was someone who talked to me and was friendly. To her our in-class conversations were polite smalltalk, to me they were my only interaction with a woman.
As I worked on my own shyness and social anxiety I started talking to more and more women. Soon enough I found these new women interesting and my feelings for my friend in class disappeared.
If I can do it then do can you. I know you might be convinced that you love that girl. But I’m here speaking from the other side: it’s very possible that your brain is just desperate because it’s the only friendly female contact you have.
Don’t waste months or years relearning what I’ve already learned. Use my experiences and save yourself some time.
Going from the shy socially awkward guy to the man who is comfortable with dating and approaching women can seem like an impossible transformation. But it can be done if you have the right resources and support.
If you’re ready to change, if you’re tired of being the shy guy stuck in the friend zone, then please sign up for my Free Social Anxiety Email Advice. You will learn why you have trouble socially, how to fix your social skills, and how to live the life of your dreams.