We now know what secure and confident people do differently than insecure people and it can be boiled down to just 3 simple things. You MUST do these things if you want to be emotionally secure.
It seems as if everywhere we look today insecurity is on the rise. People are less sure of themselves than ever before. They second guess themselves, they don’t feel confident in their abilities, and they feel anxious in the presence of others.
If you want to be more confident in yourself and feel that you can achieve the things that you’ve always wanted to do then here are the three traits shared by ALL emotionally secure and confident people.
#1: Emotionally secure and confident people see themselves as liked, wanted, and acceptable individuals
At the very core of your personality there is a “heart” that is called the self-image. The self-image is a snapshot of what you truly believe you look like (not just physically) to other people.
The self-image is extremely important because it helps your brain regulate your behaviour. How you behave depends a lot on what is in your self-image. If your self-image is that of a confident handsome man you will approach the girl at the bar with a smile. If the self-image is that of an ugly loser than your approach will be filled with stuttering and nervousness- that is, if you approach at all.
The key lesson here is that if you have one type of self-image you will act one way and if you have a different type you will act a different way.
People who are secure and confident have self-images that see themselves as liked, wanted and acceptable individuals. Meanwhile nervous insecure people often believe (perhaps secretly) that they are failed human beings who no one could possibly like.
Very often the insecure person is so invested in the belief of his own inadequacy that even if someone tells him that they like him or tries to make friends with him the insecure person will tell themselves “Oh if they actually knew me they’d know I was a pathetic.”
And so the insecure person goes through life believing that he is unacceptable and nothing will ever convince him otherwise. He believes that any person expressing their approval of him are either temporarily fooled or lying.
This dooms the insecure person into having social interactions where he acts inhibited, nervous, quiet, grumpy, or even angry. No social interaction is fun for him since he believes the other person either thinks that he is pathetic or will soon discover that he is pathetic.
Compare this to how the emotionally secure and confident person sees himself: as accepted and seen as a good person by those he encounters. He believes that he is someone who people like and because of this all of his encounters are positive. He looks forward to his social interactions and smiles when he talks to people because he enjoys talking to people who he believes like him.
Believe that people like you and want you to speak to them and you’ll soon find yourself being more confident and expressive in your social interactions.
#2: Emotionally secure and confident people see themselves as “able” individuals who are fully responsible for their own lives with the actions they make
Perhaps one of the most toxic mentalities any person can adopt is that of a victim. Once you’ve classified yourself as a victim of one thing or another you pass off responsibility for your life to the person or thing that is “oppressing” you.
When you no longer believe that your actions and decisions determine the life that you have then what kind of confidence can you have in yourself?
We can all find some injustice in our past that we can pin our failures on. Maybe you were bullied as a child and you blame your current state on the lasting damage from that. Or perhaps you think your life is horrible because of the social group you belong to. Or maybe you think your bad boss or spouse are responsible. Or you grew up poor. Or to bad parents.
Or you just give up altogether and just blame “society” for giving you a bad life and refuse any responsibility whatsoever.
There is an endless list of ways to make yourself out to be the victim. But labeling yourself a victim does absolutely nothing to improve your life.
Obviously great injustices do occur. Horrible things happen to good people. And not everyone is born on the same level playing field. No one can deny these things.
But your life is determined by how you respond to the cards you have been dealt. If you respond to an injustice by giving up then you have let that injustice control your life. You admit to it that it holds all power over your life.
You let the injustice hold full control over your mental state. You let it control whether you are happy or sad, confident or insecure.
The truth is this: no matter what the injustice is you can always find people among the victims who have not let their injustice control them and render them as nothing more than victim. They do not make their victimhood their central identify.
The emotionally secure person believes that his actions determine the life he has. And he is confident in his ability to carry out the actions that will give him the life he wants.
Once you believe that your life circumstances depend on the actions that you take than you can begin the process of building a better future.
#3: Emotionally secure and confident people have a high degree of acceptance of themselves as they are
The main cause of insecurity is the inability to accept yourself as you are. You want to be someone else and you find that being “you” is an unacceptable thing to be.
But why is it that you are unable to accept yourself?
If I asked you this question you would likely answer with a laundry lists of perceived flaws that you believe that you had. I am always amazed at the diversity of physical, mental, and personal imperfections people find unacceptable about themselves.
But why does the flaw bother you so much that you lose your confidence and emotional well-being over it?
It bothers you because you’ve created an ideal perfect image of yourself that you are trying to live up to. This is the image that you want to project out to other people. The perfect flawless “other you”.
But you will never be perfect. No human will be. You must accept this truth. All humans come with their own little quirks and scars.
People who are emotionally secure are not perfect. They have flaws just like insecure people do. But they understand that imperfection doesn’t mean that they are any less valuable as a person. And they accept themselves as they are.
We’ve all seen examples of the overweight person who lights up the room with his humour. Or the physically ugly man who still manages to have beautiful wife due to the fact she enjoys spending time with him.
If you are bothered by something that can be improved or “fixed” then immediately commit to improving it. Devote everything to improving yourself in that area until it is done.
But if the flaw cannot be fixed then accept it as part of yourself. There is nothing else that you can do.
Philosopher Alan Watts once made the remark that it was as foolish for people to be insecure about some aspect of themselves as it would be for a wave to be worried about it’s shape. A wave is an expression of the universe even if it is imperfect. And the same is true of any human.
Remember these three traits of emotionally secure people. Internalize them, start practicing them, and soon you’ll find your insecurity a thing of the past.
“For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he” – Proverbs 23:7