The 5 Traits of Sad Lonely Losers

winners vs loser signs of losers traits of losers

Pretty harsh title right?

The things I’m going to tell you in this article are important. And if you consider yourself lonely or sad or a loser they are extra important to you.

I will admit up front: I was a lonely sad loser for the majority of my twenties. I myself had all of these traits. If I’m being harsh in this article it is because I don’t want other people to be miserable for as long as I was.

I improved myself and you can as well. But you have to know how to improve yourself first.

Too many people go through life completely depressed and angry that their life is horrible or disappointing but they never actually take the time to see what they’re doing wrong.

Here is some tough medicine: if your life is bad it’s almost certainly your fault.

Sure bad things may have been done to you but it is always the actions you decide to take in response that determine the course of your life. People have found success, happiness, and companionship even in the most dark and depressing events in human history.

The fact is that only your actions determine your life. Not taking action is the same as taking action, you are still choosing to do nothing.

(Right now your brain is probably doing the typical loser thing and saying: “Oh but what about rape or torture or the holocaust?” To that I respond: were you in the holocaust? No. Then stop worrying about extremes that have nothing to do with you life. And if you were in the holocaust then read Man’s Search For Meaning where holocaust survivor Viktor Frankl explains how even in that horrible situation happiness and meaning can be found.)

Here are the 5 traits of lonely sad losers that prevent them from taking action and improving their lives:

Trait #1: Sad Lonely Losers Are Filled With Hopelessness

Whether the goal is to make friends or start a new career the sad lonely loser begins his attempt at success already filled with hopelessness. He just doesn’t believe that he can accomplish what he desires.

The lives of losers are filled with constant depressed certainty that effort is simply a waste of time and energy because they can’t accomplish anything anyways. So what’s the point in even trying.

What the success-minded person does:

In order to accomplish something difficult you must begin with the belief that you can accomplish it.

This doesn’t mean that you have to delude yourself. If something is really too difficult to accomplish then you should recognize that, gather more information or skills, and make the attempt then.

But once you’ve decided to do something, and you are prepared to do it, you must cast away any doubt that you will succeed. Confidently move forward with the full expectation of success.

The belief that you can accomplish your goal actually helps you accomplish it. Not only do you motivate yourself with your confidence but other people see your faith in yourself and are more willing to put their own faith in you and help you.

Trait #2: Sad Lonely Losers Are Constantly Frustrated

Do you have that friend or relative who is constantly trying some wacky new business venture? He starts up all excited and filled with spirit and plans and then a few weeks later when you see him he’s angry and frustrated and blaming everyone but himself.

And then another week later he’ll have another new idea and just repeat the process all over again.

Sad lonely losers are constantly filled with frustration because their goals are either unrealistic or they don’t put forward enough effort to actually achieving them. When they fail over and over again they doom themselves to a psyche of stress and frustration.

What the success-minded person does:

There is a great quote by a man named Jim Rohn that summarizes the attitude of the success-minded winner:

“You must either modify your dreams or magnify your skills.”

If you find that you’re constantly failing to achieve your goals then you’re simply unprepared to reach that goal. You must sit down and decide how much you actually want it. If you decide that your goal was just a “oh wouldn’t that be nice” kind of fantasy then put that goal aside and pick a different one that you actually want with all of your heart and soul.

When you decide that you cannot live without obtaining something specific then the only thing left to do is improve yourself and your skills to such a level that will enable you to reach that goal.

But if you pursue your goals without first ensuring that you have the skills necessary to succeed you will end up a failure and perpetually frustrated.

Trait #3: Sad Lonely Losers Aggressively Lash Out At Others

Ever notice that people who are living “failed lives” and doing jobs that they hate are often the ones who end up screaming at their kids, mistreating their wives, and holding hateful views about other people?

Racism, sexism, homophobia, domestic violence…. the list is endless. Almost always the perpetrator of hate is someone who is dissatisfied with his own life and is unable to reach the goals that are important to him.

The cause of this is misdirected energy. When you have a goal you desperately want to reach you use aggressive energy to get to that goal. This kind of aggressive energy is good and without it you would be unable to accomplish anything. Aggression is good when it is directed to positive ends.

But if you’re frustrated from reaching your goal and become “stuck” that aggressive energy has nowhere to go. It builds up inside of you like steam inside a kettle. And sooner or later it explodes in the form of hate and anger at the people around you.

What the success-minded person does:

When success-minded people find themselves lashing out at others or feeling hateful towards another person or group they immediately look inside themselves.

By looking inside yourself you can find out what frustrated goal is causing your pent-up aggression. Is it trouble at work? Maybe a girl who rejected you?

Your aggression needs to go somewhere. It needs to be directed towards a positive goal that you can accomplish. Or it can be directed towards building the skill necessary to accomplish the goal you were prevented from reaching before.

Exercise and physical activity are great short-term ways to vent pent-up aggressive energy while you are working out what your goals are and the path towards accomplishing them.

Trait #4: Sad Lonely Losers Are Insecure Because Of A False Sense of Superiority

When you say that you feel insecure what exactly does that mean? What makes you withdraw and fold into yourself? What makes you try to shield yourself from other people?

You might want to say that insecurity is caused by comparing yourself to other people and falling short. After all don’t insecure people believe that they have flaws that other people don’t have? Don’t they think that they are worse than other people?


Insecurity is caused by comparing yourself, as you are, to an idealized and perfect fictional self that doesn’t exist. Insecurity is caused by a false image of self.

Instead of accepting yourself as you are, just like the dog accepts itself whether it is a poodle or greyhound, you reject yourself and instead pretend that you are something else that is without flaws. You invent a self that doesn’t make mistakes, that is as attractive as a model, and never ages.

Ever see those men who are so careful to hide their balding head? They use weird combovers, wear hats all the time, do everything possible to protect the fiction that they have a full head of hair. And because of this they come off an unconfident and insecure.

Imagine how much better they would feel if they just accepted their balding heads. No longer would they need to pretend that they were someone else and feel insecure if a piece of their scalp showed or the wind blew their hair in a strange direction.

What the success-minded person does:

Happy and confident people do not create fictional versions of themselves and pretend to be that. They accept themselves as they are. And when they do this they feel no insecurity or anxiety when they fail to measure up to some perfect fictional ideal.

The winner’s acceptance of themselves allows them to take a honest look at mind, body, and soul to discover any flaws and weaknesses. Iff those weaknesses can be improved they immediately go into action to do so.

When someone is obsessed over maintaining a fictional image of themselves they are fearful to try to actually improve real flaws. Flaws shatter the illusion of the perfect self and so must be suppressed and ignored.

And even if flaws were acknowledged the loser would be afraid that others would see any effort to improve and grow as “trying” and that this effort would prove that the loser is not perfect.

False superiority and the fictional ideal self should be destroyed immediately. Accept yourself as you are and you will be able to improve and grow.

Trait #5: Sad Lonely Losers Are Uncertain All The Time

Should I pick Job A or Job B?

Should I get married or not?

Should I go do this or do that?

Sad lonely losers are just unable to make up their minds. They are terrified of making a decision because decisions could open them up to making a mistake.

If you’re trying to appear superior to everyone else and look perfect then being wrong is simply not an option. And sad lonely losers have a giant false sense of superiority to maintain. They can’t afford to be wrong.

So what happens is that they stagnate and don’t grow. They would rather stay with their unsatisfying lives maintaining the image that they’re living the life that they want than to finally take a risk of looking foolish by making a run for a better life.

You see this all the time with college students. They jump from major to major unable to decide on one or the other. They are terrified of making the wrong choice.

What the success-minded person does:

The success-minded person accepts that he will make mistakes. In fact he bets that he will make countless mistakes.

But he takes action anyway.

The only way to move forward and grow in life is to take forward action. When you make mistakes you simply learn from them and course-correct. There is no shame in making mistakes. Everyone makes them and that is how everyone grows their knowledge and skill.

But if you stay still, frozen with uncertainty, you will never get anywhere.


These are the 5 Traits Of Sad Lonely Losers. In my darkest period I had all of them and it was only when I began to recognize these traits that I could begin to correct them.

I believe there are a lot of people who are living the same depressed and anxious life that I used to live. I hope that this article helps them (and you) recognize these traits in themselves so that the growing process can begin.

We can learn a lot by studying the traits and behaviour of both “losers” and successful people. The success or failure different people have obtained is almost always due to the actions they have made and the mindset they have adopted.

Please leave your comments, suggestions, and personal stories in the comments below. I enjoy hearing from you and I know other readers do as well.

(A lot of this article is inspired by the book “Psycho-Cybernetics” written in 1960 by a man named Maxwell Maltz. I really recommend it if you enjoyed reading this.)

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